What should you call a polite, friendly, kind, good looking monster?
A failure!

Cannibal Boy: I've brought a friend home for dinner.
Cannibal Mum: Put him in the refrigerator and we'll have him tomorrow!

My friend is so silly that he spent two weeks in a revolving door looking for the doorknob!

Boy to Friend: I'm sorry, I won't be able to go out after school. I promised Dad that I would stay in and help him with my homework.

Why was the school principal not pleased when he bumped into an old friend ?
They were both driving their cars at the time !

Boy to Friend: My dad is so old, when he was at school, history was called current events!

Mother to Friend: Johnny's so imaginative! I asked him what the 'F' meant on his report and he said 'Fantastic'

Crossword Fan: I've been trying to think of a word for two weeks!
Friend: How about a fortnight !

The big game hunter was showing his friends his hunting trophies. Drawing their attention to a lion-skin rug on the floor he said, 'I shot this fellow in Africa. Didn't want to kill such a magnificent beast, of course, but it was either him or me.'
'Well,' said a guest, 'he certainly makes a much better rug than you would !'

The proud owner of an impressive new clock was showing it off to a friend. 'This clock,' he said, 'will go for 14 days without winding.'
'Really?' replied his friend, 'And how long will it go if you do wind it ?'